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<- ESSAYS
CRITERIA
The only way to improve the safety of our roads is to give much stricter punishments on driving offenses. What extent do you agree or disagree?

Graph 1 sentence 2:
"need to take...". There is a missing word and the wrong tense is being used. Example:
"that need to be taken..."
Some individuals suppose that imposing more harsher penalties on those who violate driving offenses should be prioritized. While I accept that the strengthened laws and regulations related to road safety are vital, I personally believe that there are better measures need to take into account.

Graph 3 sentence 1:
"those severe fine". "Those" refers to more than one thing but you are using a singular word by saying "fine". It should be:
"those severe fines"

Graph 3 sentence 1:
"witnessing". Wrong word. You are using a verb when you should be using a noun. Example:
"witnesses"

Graph 3 sentence 2:
"following the wrongdoers did formerly". That's an awkward phrase I would rewrite this portion of the sentence

QUESTION:
Can you suggest sentences I should rewrite in this circumstance?

RESPONSE:
Moreover, these severe fines will have some effect on the broader population dissuading those who would otherwise break the law.
On the one hand, stricter regulations on traffic laws are the key to encouraging people to drive more safely. Penalties for dangerous drivers can act as a deterrent, meaning that people don’t recommit the same offenses.

Moreover, those severe fine will have some effect on the remainder witnessing so that they will avoid following the wrongdoers did formerly. As a result, we would hope the drivers become disciplined and alert, and that they follow the rules more carefully.

Graph 4 sentence 1:
"It". The "I" in "It" should not be capitalized when used in the middle of a sentence. Example:
"it"
On the other hand, It seems to me that not only safe driving can be promoted in various ways that do not punish drivers. Firstly, the government should put in place compulsory safety training programs for those who are in an age of driving. All of them have to pass the test perfectly before getting permitted driving certificate. Secondly, more attention should be invested in improving road quality. For instance, the smooth roads contribute to moving in a safe way rather than rocky ones. Finally, governments or local councils could carry out a better change for public transport system such as buses, trains which would mean that fewer people would need to travel by car.

Graph 5 sentence 1:

"in order that drivers". "that" is the wrong word to use in this context
In conclusion, punishments can prevent people from bad driving, other safety road approaches should also be adopted simultaneously in order that drivers can enjoy the safest driving experience.
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